Long Time, Need to Talk

Long time, need to talk.

Junior year has been great so far. My apartment with my best friend is so cozy and makes a wonderful home. My classes are challenging, but so interesting. I am producing a friend’s AP in November, so I have quite a bit of work to do. I can already tell this is going to be a year where I learn so much about my industry. It’s really great to be back with my friends and to continue making new ones. It’s been three weeks since I’ve moved back to school, and it’s been a blast.

This week hit a bit harder. Out of no where, I began feeling so sick on Wednesday that I bolted out of one of my night classes. Called my mom while walking to my car and started bawling. My anxiety came fast and hard. Clouded by all of the excitement around, I did not catch the signs. I didn’t realize it was anxiety until I felt the wave of a panic attack begin.

I learned how to manage my anxiety after a rough patch my junior year of high school. Since then, I have had a few issues here and there, but nothing too bad. On Wednesday night I began to see parallels run through my mind from that time. Something was up, and I had to catch it before the cycle really began.

I’m doing better now, though. I need to get over the “you should be happy” that my ego keeps telling myself. I am very happy, really! Despite the fact that I am truly enjoying what I am doing now, that doesn’t mean I am invincible to these kinds of bouts. Yoga and meditating helps, that’s for sure.

This time around, I had to learn to take time to really be there for myself.

After studying abroad and learning so much about awareness and presence, I have put so much attention on being present. Which is very important, don’t get me wrong! Similarly with taking care of yourself, I have not been focusing on what my body needs. Yes, I make myself go work out if I don’t want to. But I need to give myself a break, especially if I’m behind on responsibilities.

I pushed myself too hard, thinking since I was happy I would be fine, though that’s not necessarily the case.

As I continue to strive to doing what’s right for me, here’s to listening to my heart, mind and body. I will make more of a priority to write. Balance is everything, but not every week will be perfect. I will work out when I can, but make sure I am getting in my own peaceful time. I will organize my time better, so I can prevent getting caught up and overwhelmed.

To my body, I’m sorry. Let me make this better.

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