Once again a post completely inspired by a podcast. On Jess Lively’s, The Lively Show, she has an episode a while back that describes how to use the law of attraction on your future partner. Sounds creepy and like I’m super single, but I swear it’s not and I’m….not super.
The episode is an incredible pep-talk to the single ladies out there who are feeling like “the one” has already disappointed them or doesn’t exist. Anyone else? Just me? Dating is exhausting, to say the least. Not to be so pessimistic about it, but it’s tiring! You meet someone new or put a preexisting friendship on the line. You have anxiety over who pays for what (you would think this would be a given but unfortunately not always…) or even just deciding what you want to do for the night. And after trial and trial, it can be draining. (Despite the fact that I have PLENTY of hilarious dating stories to tell y’all. Current plans are to write a movie about it, just you wait.)
However, Jess explains this as “data collecting” or “date-a collecting” (heh). We date to get closer to the person we’re meant to end up with. Hell, some people get married and then find the person they’re actually supposed to be with. Anyways, dating teaches us what we want and what we don’t want in our person. When you put it in that way, it sounds a bit less tiring and more rewarding!
I thought it would be fun to share some of the lessons I’ve learned in my few years of “date-a collecting.” She explains that she keeps her list of what she wants in her future partner on hand, always ready to add or make changes. Once I get this going, then I plan to do the same!
Maybe you’ll share some ideas with me, or maybe there are a few of your own that you’ve come to find!
- Someone who is decisive. He knows he wants to date me and he is assertive in making plans to do so.
- Someone who is adventurous but can also relax at home. Netflix and chill or exploring new trails, we’ll have a good time.
- Honesty – be real with me about who you are and what you want!!!!
- Loyalty… for example, hypothetically speaking of course, if we agree to not see other people, let’s not do that!!
- Respect towards me, friends and family, and people you don’t know.
- Authenticity. Not much pisses me off more than someone who has to tell me about “who” they are because they’re trying to prove it to themselves.
- Someone who will push me in good ways (and sometimes bad). If you push me to do something hard because you love me, I will appreciate that (even though I might get annoyed in the meantime).
- Listener AND a talker. Here’s the deal: some days I will need you to listen, other days I won’t have much to say. I’ll be flexible with you if you are with me!
- I don’t need them to be a creative by any means, but at least someone who can appreciate and values art!
- Confidence – thin line between confidence and pure cockiness, but a guy who is sure of himself is really attractive.
- PLEASE BE FUNNY. If you can make me laugh I’m halfway to being yours.
- I hope we share similar values and a strong sense of integrity. This aligns with what I’ve listed earlier, but I think it’s important that we have similar foundations.
No thank you, SIR:
- Someone who needs to drink or do drugs to have a good time. That’s just not how I roll (heh x 2).
- Someone who feels like he needs to have a part in every aspect of my life so he feels in control of the relationship. Simply not down.
- Close-mindedness where he doesn’t care to listen to other opinions.
- The kind of person who always feels like he has to tell me who is he and what he is about rather than show me and let it unfold naturally.
- Someone who is unsupportive of my various creative endeavors.
- A lack of motivation. If you do things halfheartedly because you just don’t care, why bother?!
The more I think about what I want to put on this list, I wanted to acknowledge the value I put on the chemistry between two people. One of the biggest lessons I’ve come to know is that if you find a genuine attraction to someone you barely know (can include physical attraction but something more than you finding someone really good looking) that’s a good sign of potential chemistry (on both sides!). For example, there was a guy who I did not know in the slightest. Freshman year I would sometimes see him in the caf and there was something about him that definitely drew me in. Two years later, the opportunity to get to know him came and I found out he was also interested in me! It didn’t last long for various reasons, but the whole time I was thinking how pumped Freshman-Christina would be. I’ve actually had this happen a few times, but this was one that always surprised me. Moral of the story, natural chemistry and attraction between two people is something that I emphasize in my possible relationships. You can be friends for a while of course before anything happens. But initial attraction could be a sign something is there! (Of course, this is me speaking on my behalf! I know many people that did not have this and are in extremely happy relationships).
As I continue to date, this list will continue to change and grow. The man I end up with one day could be all of these things, or be so different than I would have ever imagined. It’s comforting to remember that he’s out there somewhere.
Are there any do’s and don’ts on your date-a collecting? I’d love to hear!